Ted 2 (2015) [Review]

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I don’t know why I went to see this. I don’t know why I expected anything more than what I saw last time. Maybe you hold out the faintest of hopes that someone as creative as Seth Macfarlane will actually make up some new jokes for his second instalment of Ted, rather than rehashing Family Guy jokes as he did in the first. I wonder if he realises that the majority of the people going to see this film are fans of the series he is still somehow churning out, and that we will notice if you send someone to a sperm bank and have all the unusable jizz fall on them, that we will have seen that joke before… along with many others.

I should have listened to my buddy over at ‘Should I Watch? Reviews’ for his resounding ‘no‘ on Ted 2. The fact that ‘A Million Ways To Die In The West’ was received so poorly should have been a good indication that anything longer than 20 minutes really isn’t Seth’s strong point, and as one of the screenwriters even came out and jokingly said that the film should have been called ‘Ted 2: More Of The Same“, you would think I would have taken the hint.

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Nope.

For those that haven’t seen it, and want to know what it’s about, Ted 2 is the story of a talking Teddy Bear (voiced by Macfarlane), who is best mates with Mark Wahlberg, and is also married to a real-life woman called Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth). Ted’s relationship hits a rough patch, they decide to try to adopt, and the entire process throws out into question Ted’s eligibility as an actual ‘person’, since he’s a teddy bear that’s come to life.

Gripping plot I’m sure you will agree, and as we get taken on this rollercoaster ride of emotions, we see Ted & Mark Wahlberg smoke a lot of weed with Amanda Seyfried, make plenty of racial and homophobic slurs, and smash about the entire film with a blatant disregard for anyone else other than themselves. It’s not that I am offended by what they do or say, because Ted, much like Peter Griffin is a fictional character. He is supposed to be unlikable, but the problem I have is that it is just so tiring and unfunny to watch. If you take away the humour, then all you really have left is a hateful bear spouting obscenities at you for 2 hours?

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Ted 2 is far too long for its own good, and while there are moments that will make you laugh, for the most part it feels lazy and dumb. Those that can stomach 6 Family Guy episodes back to back that you have seen 10 times each, and can sit there puffing away on a spliff muttering an odd ‘heh’ an episode will find this equally enthralling, but to the general cinema going public it’s borderline offensive in the way that this is what gets churned out for the us to go and see, and we’re supposed to accept it?

I wouldn’t throw my toys out of the pram for any of the verbal diarrhoea that comes out of Ted’s mouth, but it’s a bit steep to accept this as the best effort when half of it is recycled and the other half unadulterated nonsense. Clearly struggling to full 2 hours, and with no ability to use cutaway gags, Ted 2 fails for the most part, and I hope that the box office disappointment (despite making $30m) is enough to deter them from making another one.

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